Bob Upindown has this thing he does with his tongue that I can't stop thinking about. Not in a hot way, more like watching a car crash but with more cum. The whole setup is these three guys, Charlie and Bruce Long and Bob, making a pact to turn some straight dude gay. Except Charlie is the straight dude? Or maybe he's already halfway there and just needs a push. The writing is so fucking stupid I mean that as a compliment, like someone took a 90s sitcom laugh track and drowned it in jizz.

The blowjob scenes caught me off guard because the dialogue keeps cracking jokes right when things get messy. Bruce has this domination thing going on, all blonde and bossy, telling Charlie exactly where to put his mouth. And Charlie's responses are this perfect mix of confused and horny, like a golden retriever that just discovered peanut butter. There's anal obviously, and a bukkake moment that had me laughing so hard I almost missed the cumshot. Almost. The humor is wrong in all the right ways, making fun of gay stereotypes while also celebrating them, which I guess is the whole point but it still feels like walking a tightrope over a pit of bad taste.

Wish the Holio character showed up more, whatever the fuck a Holio is. The game just throws him in for one scene and then forgets he exists, which is annoying because his dynamic with Charlie had potential. Something about the way the text scrolls makes it feel like reading a group chat where everyone is slightly drunk and very horny. Not polished at all, graphics look like they were drawn on a napkin, but that's almost the charm. The whole thing runs in browser and honestly if it tried to be slick it would ruin the vibe completely.

The whole thing is a mess, and I mean that in the best way. It’s like someone threw Naruto, a bit of Attack on Titan, and a fever dream into a blender and forgot to put the lid on. You’re just some guy who watched too much anime, and suddenly you’re at the gates of Konoha. Hinata, Ino, and Sakura are there, and they think you’re some kind of special trainer. The dialogue is so janky, it’s hilarious. You just roll with it because, honestly, what else are you gonna do in a dream?

The “training” is where things go off the rails. You get these options, and they’re not about chakra control, let’s be real. One minute you’re deciding if Hinata should work on her stamina, and the next you’ve got her bent over in a doggystyle scene that’s animated with all the grace of a flipbook. The art is 2D, static mostly, but the expressions are priceless. There’s a bit with Tsunade later on, and her tits are so absurdly huge it circles back to being funny again, like a parody of a parody. I got stuck on a loop with Tenten for a while, trying to figure out the right click to get her into an anal scene, and the game just... didn’t care. It’s buggy, but in a “this is part of the charm” way, not a rage-quit way.

Then, out of nowhere, Velma Dinkley shows up. I shit you not. Scooby-Doo Velma, with her glasses and everything, mixed in with kunoichi. There’s no explanation, no setup, she’s just there for a quick oral scene and then the plot stumbles forward like it didn’t happen. The whole thing plays on a mobile browser, so you’re just tapping away, and the slave training mechanics are barely mechanics, more like a suggestion. I wish there was more with Mikasa, her scene is just a blink-and-you-miss-it masturbation moment, which is a crime. The game knows it’s a trashy crossover fanfic and doesn’t pretend otherwise, and that’s why I kept clicking. The sound is nonexistent, by the way, just silence and your own questionable life choices.

So I'm lying in bed later, scrolling through my phone, and I keep thinking about that nurse with the ridiculous chest. You know the one. The game starts you off as some sad sack IT guy who can't pay his bills, which honestly feels too real. Then suddenly you're fixing computers in a hospital and every woman there has her tits basically falling out of her scrubs. The panty shots are so forced it made me snort. Like, who bends over like that to check a cable? Nobody. But I kept clicking.

The handjob scene in the storage closet came out of nowhere. I picked some dialogue option thinking I was being charming, and next thing I know there's a massive uncut cock on my screen and she's going at it while her glasses fog up. The sound effects are... something. Very wet. My upstairs neighbor probably thinks I was watching something else entirely. The spanking bit with the older administrator lady, the MILF character, that one actually got me. She bends over the desk and her ass is just enormous, like comically so, and the whole thing is so over the top I had to put my phone down for a second.

The lesbian content between the head nurse and the receptionist feels tacked on though. You just watch through a door crack like some creep. Which I guess is the voyeurism tag doing its thing. The big dildo makes an appearance and it's rendered in that slightly too shiny 3DCG way where everything looks a bit like plastic fruit. Still works though. I don't know. The male protagonist is such a blank slate but maybe that's the point. The exhibitionism stuff at the end, where she's masturbating on the hospital bed with the curtain half open, that image is burned into my brain now. The oral sex animations are stiff but the sounds again, god. I'm not even sure if I liked this game but I finished it twice.