Superman's heat vision can't melt through a horny asteroid. That's the first thing I learned. The second thing is that Lois Lane apparently gets kidnapped by grey aliens with dicks longer than their legs. The whole setup is a parody arcade game where you fly through space, dodging rocks, and the reward for not crashing is... well, it's not a high score.

The flying part is janky. Not in a charming way. More like trying to scroll through TikTok with greasy fingers. You tap, you drift, you slam into a pixelated space boulder. But then the screen flashes and suddenly there's a cutscene of Superman, with his one giant pixelated bulge, absolutely wrecking Lois. The sex is hard, fast, and the animation loops in a way that feels almost aggressive. Like the aliens are watching. Maybe they are. The whole thing has this weird energy, like a Newgrounds flash animation from 2005 that someone forgot to finish. The sound effects are just... stock squelches. You know the ones.

I spent more time trying to figure out the asteroid pattern than actually watching the scenes. There's no combat, which is a choice. You just dodge. A pacifist superhero game where the only penetration is in the cutscenes. The alien design is lazy, just big headed grey dudes with tentacles. But the parody of Superman is spot on. His face is this blank, heroic mask even when he's balls deep. I wish the flying had a boost button. It won't get one. The whole thing is a five minute loop of frustration and surprisingly explicit pixel art. My phone autocorrected "Lois" to "Lips" three times writing this. That feels relevant.