The loading screen itself is a mess of jpeg artifacts and that one Flying Tree Frog logo that looks like it was made in MS Paint circa 2003. You know the one. And then Yoko’s just there, staring at you with that red hair and a bikini that’s already struggling, physics wise. The breast expansion slider is the first thing I grabbed. Not because I’m a degenerate, well, okay, because I’m a degenerate, but also because I wanted to see if the game would break. It didn’t. They just kept growing, defying all known Gurren Lagann canon, until she looked like she’d absorbed the Spiral King himself. The collision detection on the dildo tool is honestly more advanced than the actual sex animations. You can poke her pussy and the boobs jiggle independently, which is a weird flex for a flash game from the F-series vault.

Trying to get the doggystyle position to line up properly is a minigame in itself. The hitboxes are a suggestion, a vague spiritual concept. I spent way too long just making her tits flop around with the mouse while the hard sex loop played out, completely desynced from my inputs. It’s like conducting a very horny, very broken orchestra. The cumshot effect is just a single, sad, semi-transparent sprite that appears and then vanishes, no fanfare. I wish there was a way to, I don’t know, make it stick? But that’s asking too much from a game where the main menu button is just the word “MENU” in Arial.

There’s a specific sound effect when you cycle through the bikini states that’s just a stock Windows error ping. It kills the mood instantly, like a jumpscare for your libido. But then you find the hidden toggle that removes the top entirely and suddenly you’re back in, ignoring the fact that her spine bends like a wet noodle during the riding animation. It’s not good. I’ve had it open in a tab for three days.