The first thing that hits you is the sheer, unapologetic jank. The interface looks like it was assembled in a Windows 98 era Flash editor by someone who just discovered the blur tool. There’s a “flying tree frog” tag attached to this thing. I spent a solid five minutes clicking around trying to find a frog, a metaphor for a frog, anything. Nothing. Just Tifa’s massive, physics defying chest staring back at me, and a UI that feels held together with tape and a prayer. That missing frog is going to bother me forever. Why is it there? Is it a state of mind?

Anyway. You get Tifa. She’s in a bikini that’s working overtime. You click things. The breast expansion mechanic isn't a gradual, subtle thing. One moment she’s her usual, absurdly proportioned self, the next she’s inflated like someone hooked her up to a bike pump, the bikini top straining in a way that completely ignores fabric tensile strength. It’s grotesque and kind of hilarious. You can toggle the bikini off, obviously, and then you’re left with this smooth, shiny 3D model that looks vaguely like Tifa Lockhart if you squint and ignore the dead eyed stare. The main event is this big, clear glass dildo. You drag it around, line it up with her pussy or her ass, and the animation loops are… well, they’re loops. The sound design is a single wet, repetitive squelch that burrows into your skull after about ten seconds. I muted the tab and put on a podcast about medieval farming techniques. It felt appropriate.

The “choose her sex position” feature is generous. You’ve got a few angles to work with, all of them laser focused on the penetration. There’s no game here, no challenge. It’s a straight up interactive diorama for a very specific fantasy. The brunette hair is rendered with all the fluidity of molded plastic. And yet. And yet I kept dragging that dildo around, testing the collision boundaries, watching the breast expansion toggle do its ridiculous magic. It’s not good, but it’s not trying to be. It’s a blunt object of a wank aid, and that weird, unpolished honesty is almost refreshing. Almost. I still want to know about the frog.