The first thing that hits you is the jank. Like, a deliberate, almost aggressive lack of polish. It’s not broken, it’s just... raw. The 3DCG models, especially Cammy’s absolutely ridiculous ass, clip through the environment during a fight on the London stage. And I’m sitting there, half-hard, thinking about how I’d choreograph a burlesque number to this. A slow reveal with a military cap, peeling off a glove with my teeth while that glitchy, looping animation of her victory pose plays on a projector behind me. The whole thing feels like a fever dream stitched together from a teenager’s hard drive.

You play a guy, a total blank slate, and you just... stumble through a plot that’s a thin excuse to get Chun-Li pregnant. There’s a fighting system, I guess. You mash a button, a health bar drops, and then suddenly you’re in a bedroom with Juri Han and her foot is doing things that make the earlier clipping issues seem like high art. The dialogue is pure parody, so earnest it circles back to being hilarious. I found myself genuinely trying to win a fight against Manon, not for the sex scene, but because her ballet-inspired moveset is actually kind of graceful, and I wanted to see if the game would let me do a proper grand jeté. It didn’t. It just led to a creampie scene with a facial expression that can only be described as ahegao by way of a system error.

The romance is... well, it’s there. You give a gift, a heart meter fills, and then Lily Hawk is dominating you. It’s as deep as a puddle. I spent twenty minutes trying to get a footjob from A.K.I. and the whole time I was just thinking about the texture of her stockings, how they’d feel against my skin on stage, the cheap nylon catching the spotlight. This game is a mess. A glorious, horny, unapologetic mess that knows exactly what it is. It’s like finding a crumpled, sticky magazine in a back alley and realizing it’s the most honest piece of art you’ve seen all week. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?