The puck physics are completely broken. I mean that as a compliment.

You're dragging lines across a frozen rink, trying to angle shots past a goalie who sometimes forgets she has a glove hand. Meanwhile two women are getting increasingly intimate on the left side of the screen, and every goal you score unlocks more of their scene. The whole setup feels like someone duct-taped a Flash game to a porn site in 2007 and honestly, that's exactly what I wanted. The video quality is surprisingly crisp though. Real models, actual lesbian content, none of that weird 3D uncanny valley stuff. One of them has this tattoo on her hip that I kept getting distracted by, which is probably why I let in three goals during the second period.

The hockey part. Look, it's not NHL 24. You draw a line with your mouse and the puck bounces off it. Sometimes it bounces in ways that make zero physical sense. Sometimes it phases through your defender entirely. I scored on myself twice and I'm still not sure how. The difficulty spikes are weird too. You'll be crushing the AI 5-0 and then suddenly it turns into prime Dominik Hasek for no reason. I wish the game remembered your progress between sessions but it doesn't, so every time you reload you're starting from the beginning of the video. Which gets old around the fourth time you've watched the same foreplay sequence.

But here's the thing. The minigame is just engaging enough that you feel like you're earning it. There's this moment when you're down by one with ten seconds left and you manage to thread a perfect bank shot off the boards and the video advances to the good part and your brain does this little chemical reward thing that's honestly more satisfying than just clicking through a gallery. The lesbian content itself is well-shot, natural lighting, genuine chemistry between the performers. No fake moaning or dead eyes staring at the camera. Just two women who seem like they're actually into each other, which shouldn't be rare but somehow is.