The loading screen is just a spiral. I stare at it way too long, thinking maybe my phone is broken, but no, that’s the game. It’s a Naruto parody thing, but the chakra is all wrong, like someone spilled a horny potion into the ramen. You play some dude who wakes up in Konoha and immediately realizes he can just… suggest things into people’s brains. Not in a cool genjutsu fight way. More like a “hey, maybe you’re actually my loyal pet” kind of way. The art is 2D, deliberately rough, like sketches from a notebook you’d hide from your mom.

The first time I used the trainer mechanic on Hinata, the screen got all wobbly and her dialogue just sort of melted into “yes, master.” It’s not polished. It’s not supposed to be. There’s a whole menu of characters, and I’m scrolling past Tsunade and Mei, thinking about how their… assets are rendered with a kind of obsessive, physics-defying dedication. I tried to focus on a scene with Kurenai, but the background just gave up and became a blurry mess of red and black. I wish the sound had something, anything, a wet slap, a moan, just a little crunch. But it’s silent, which somehow makes the whole thing more surreal, like a dream where you’re falling but also very, very aroused.

I ended up in a gangbang scenario with the Otsutsuki clan that I didn’t even click on. The game just sort of drifted there, like a lazy river at a water park that suddenly turns into a rapid. Orochimaru was there, looking like a pale noodle, and I just closed the tab. Not because it was too much, but because I remembered I left my laundry in the machine and the thought of damp socks was a weirdly grounding contrast. This game is a fever dream where Naruto’s mom calls you a good boy. I’m giving it the “Most Likely to Make You Forget What Canon Is” award. It earns it by making you question if you ever really watched the show or just hallucinated the whole thing after eating bad pocky. The male protagonist is just a pair of hands at the bottom of the screen, which is a vibe.