I can't stop thinking about the VIP card. It's 35 bucks. Thirty five. For what exactly, a slightly shinier suit that clips through the desk when Francis leans forward? The game is called something like "Real Estate of Love" or maybe "30 Days to Bone", I don't remember, the title screen is just a stock photo of a house with three anime women poorly photoshopped onto the lawn. You're Francis. You sell houses. You're 35 and apparently that's a crisis because the game gives you a literal countdown timer to find love. Nothing says romance like a UI element borrowed from a bomb defusal app.

The first girl I met was at a farm. A farm. I'm a real estate agent, not a crop rotation consultant. But there she was, leaning against a tractor in a way that suggested the artist had never seen either a woman or a tractor. The seduction mechanic is basically throwing compliments like darts until a meter fills up. "You have beautiful eyes." Meter goes up. "I like your... tractor knowledge." Meter goes up faster. It's like training a very horny dog. The VIP pass promises "exclusive pickup lines" and honestly I'm terrified to know what those are. Probably just the word "moist" repeated with different inflections.

The whole thing runs on that weird Lesson of Passion engine, you know the one, where every character blinks out of sync and the sound effects are just stock recordings of a guy slapping a ham. There's a real estate mini-game where you sell a condo to a woman who is definitely a reused asset from one of their other titles, the one with the orc. I'd complain about the 30 day limit but I spent 28 of those days just clicking on a potted plant in my office that I thought was a collectible. It wasn't. The game never told me it wasn't. I just kept clicking. The plant didn't care. The plant became my true love, I guess. The VIP pass probably lets you click the plant twice as fast.