Belle’s got a book in one hand and my, uh, attention in the other. Not reading it though. The whole thing feels like someone took the character models from a bootleg Disney mobile game, the kind that gets pulled from the app store after three days, and then just... let chaos happen. The animation is janky. Like, really janky. Limbs don’t bend so much as they snap into new positions, which is honestly more unsettling than the actual hardcore stuff. But you don’t come to a place like this for Pixar-level rendering, do you?

The quest part is a lie. It’s a visual novel where your biggest choice is which princess gets railed next and in what orifice. I clicked around, got lost in a dialogue loop with Ariel where she kept asking about a fork, and then suddenly she was doing something with that fork that would make Chef Louis faint. The writing is this bizarre mix of fairy tale politeness and the filthiest smut you’ve ever read. “Oh, kind sir, would you mind terribly if I just...” and then a description of an act that would get you banned from the Magic Kingdom for life. There’s no subtlety. It’s a sledgehammer of depravity wrapped in a glittery pink bow. I think I saw Cinderella using her glass slipper in a way that’s definitely not OSHA approved. The sound design is just... royalty free moaning on a loop. It clipped. A lot.

The parental controls on my router started blinking red, I swear. This is the kind of game that makes you check if your blinds are fully closed, not because you’re ashamed, but because you don’t want to have to explain to a neighbor why Jasmine is suspended in mid-air, glitching through a carpet, while Aladdin watches from the corner looking like a melted candle. It’s a beautiful trainwreck. A scandalous, sticky, unpolished mess that knows exactly what it is. Dare to play it with the volume on, I fucking dare you. The neighbors will think you’re torturing a cat.