That character creator at the start is a trap. I spent like ten minutes tweaking the hair and the little pixel boobs, thinking I was making some badass maze runner, and then the game drops you into pitch black. You can’t see shit. Your carefully crafted tits? Invisible. The whole thing is just this dark corridor and the sound of your own footsteps, which, I gotta say, is a weirdly creepy vibe for a porn game. It’s less “fap material” and more “am I about to get jumpscared by a horny minotaur.”

The combat is where it gets properly unhinged. You’re basically grinding against these shadow creatures to, I guess, fuck them into submission. The first fight I got into, I had no idea what the stats meant. I just clicked the “struggle” button, which is the most pathetic verb for a sex act, and the screen flashed white. My character’s moan was this compressed, crunchy sound file that peaked my laptop speakers. I lost that fight. The monster didn’t kill me, it just sort of... finished and then wandered off into the dark, leaving me with less HP and a feeling of deep, profound confusion. The treasure chests are full of stuff like “sticky gloves” and “viscous oil” that buff your weird sex-fighting skills, and you just know some dev got a real kick out of naming every single one.

Honestly, a DLC that just adds a map would be a game changer. Or maybe a flashlight. I get the whole “lost in a dark labyrinth of lust” aesthetic, but after the fifth dead end that looks exactly like the last four, my boner is gone and I’m just annoyed. The game forgets it’s supposed to be a porn game and turns into a navigation simulator where you occasionally dry-hump a blob. I did find one room with a glowing statue that gave me a permanent “sensitivity” boost, which made the next creature encounter sound like a broken air conditioner. That was a highlight. The core loop is basically get lost, find a monster, have some deeply awkward text-based sex, pick up a weird item, repeat. It’s a mess. A sticky, confusing mess that I’m probably going to try again later because I never did find the exit.