You know that feeling when you match with someone on a dating app, they seem perfect, then three weeks later you're stuck watching them eat your last slice of pizza while explaining why your friends are toxic? This game is that, but with a medieval maid and you're the toxic one. Sort of.

Picked the shy one with the braids because she reminded me of my ex who left me for a CrossFit instructor. Big mistake. Huge. The game doesn't tell you that feeding her extra pastries during her cleaning routine makes her uniform start straining at the seams. By day four I couldn't stop. She'd waddle over with this eager little smile, dust rag in hand, and I'm just clicking the kitchen option over and over like some kind of feeder king. The jiggle physics when she bends to scrub the floor. Christ. My phone overheated. Not from the browser, from my shame.

The weight gain creeps up so gradually you don't notice until her thighs are rubbing together and she's breathing heavy just carrying a tray. There's this one moment where she tries to squeeze between two chairs and gets stuck, and the look she gives you, this mix of embarrassment and desperate need for approval. I felt things. Complicated things. The inflation tag is there too but honestly I was too focused on watching her outgrow her uniform to explore whatever that means. Her dialogue shifts as she gets bigger, more breathless, more apologetic, and you can either reassure her or... not. I chose not. Obviously. We're not here for emotional growth, we're here for the other kind.

Wish there was a way to skip the actual cleaning minigame because who cares about dust when her buttons are screaming for mercy. But no, you gotta make her scrub that same spot on the floor while her belly rests on her knees. The things we do for love. Or whatever this is.