The whole tuning thing is a lie. You pick a color for your car, maybe a stripe, and that's it. The real tuning is how fast you can figure out which pixel is the brake button when some girl with tits bigger than her head pulls up next to you. Her name was Candy or something, I don't remember, I was too focused on the shift light that blinks in a way that makes no sense. You slam through the gears, the screen shakes, and if you win she just... bends over the hood. No talking, no build up. One second it's a drag race, the next it's a close up of her ass and a prompt to click. The animation loops like a broken GIF from 2003, this weird jittery thrust that never quite lines up right.

I lost the first three races on purpose just to see what happens. The loser screen is just a static image of the girl laughing. That's it. No reverse humiliation, no scene, nothing. So you're basically forced to win if you want to see anything, which makes the whole "chase" tag feel like a joke. You're not chasing, you're just clicking through a very short, very janky slideshow. The sport part is a straight line that lasts maybe eight seconds. The arcade element is just a needle you have to stop in a green zone, which I swear is rigged on the second race against the redhead. Her car just launches like you're standing still no matter how perfect your start is.

There's this one detail that stuck with me. After you finish, the girl's expression doesn't change. At all. She's got this blank, dead eyed look during the whole thing, like she's reading a grocery list while you're doing your business. It's unsettling in a way I can't stop thinking about. I wish the cars actually mattered. I wish the sound of the engine wasn't just one stock clip looped. The whole thing feels like it was made in an afternoon by someone who just discovered what a tween is but never actually saw one in motion. I keep opening it though. The redhead beat me five times now. I'll get her.