Bertha’s tits are a goddamn problem. Not in a good way either, they’re blocking half my screen. She’s this massive fairy, right? A BBW with wings that look like they’re struggling, and she just floats there, demanding an ice cream cone. Jasmine, the smaller one, wants a dildo. I mixed them up once and my score cratered. The whole thing is a tower defense where you’re just clicking items on these two guns, left for the pink rubber cock, right for the swirled cone. My brain kept shorting out because Bertha’s model clips through the UI sometimes, her huge naked form just phasing through the score counter. It’s so unpolished it’s almost performance art.

The magic system, if you can call it that, is just the fairies sometimes ignoring you. They’ll be floating past, tits out, and your shots just phase through them. No sparkle, no shield icon, nothing. The game just decides. I lost a 47 point streak because Jasmine decided to become intangible right at the edge of the screen. You lose points when they get past, you lose points for wrong items. The whole economy is a mess. I was staring at the high score, which is just stored locally, wondering if the data even persists. Probably not. It’s the kind of jank where you can tell the developer just wanted to see big titty fairies get pelted with sex toys and called it a day.

The sound design is just two wet slapping noises on loop. One for a hit, one for a miss, I think. They blend together after a minute. My cat left the room. The whole thing runs in a browser tab and I swear it has a memory leak because my fan kicked on after ten minutes of just clicking dildos at a nude fairy. There’s no win state. The goal is just “highest score possible” which feels less like a game and more like a data entry job with a pornographic screensaver. I kept playing though. Bertha’s worth 2 points. That’s the hook. That stupid, simple point difference. I’d let Jasmine slip past just to line up a double cone shot on Bertha’s massive frame, watching her jiggle and reset. It’s not a good game. It’s barely a game. But I remember her name, don’t I?