Lily Candy’s skirt is basically a formality at this point, hiked up around her waist while she’s bent over a desk covered in foreclosure notices. The whole premise is this desperate real estate agent who can’t close a deal to save her career, so naturally the solution involves her getting absolutely railed by the first client who walks through the door. I respect the honesty. No pretense about empowerment or whatever, just a girl getting her cervix rearranged because capitalism is hard.

The click speed mechanic is where things get weirdly specific. You’re not just mindlessly tapping, you’re supposed to hit certain rhythms to unlock these little heart icons, which I guess represent her enjoying the transaction. The tutorial gif shows this pattern but honestly I just started clicking like a coked up woodpecker and stuff happened anyway. The animation stutters along with your input, so if you slow down she kind of freezes mid thrust with this vacant expression that’s more unsettling than sexy. Fast clicking makes her bounce around like one of those inflatable tube men outside car dealerships. I spent way too long trying to perfect the rhythm on the second scene, the one where she’s getting it from behind on the office chair, and my wrist still hurts. The chair doesn’t even have armrests, which seems like a safety hazard for this kind of activity.

The Patreon demo has three scenes and the graphics are compressed to hell, so everything looks like it was filmed through a foggy shower door. The sound is just wet slapping noises that loop awkwardly. There’s something about the way her heels stay perfectly on throughout that bothers me more than it should, like commit to the chaos or don’t. The whole thing feels like someone’s first Flash project they made while skipping class, which I think is actually the vibe they were going for. Unpolished isn’t a bug, it’s the aesthetic. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.