The whole thing feels like a philosophy seminar where the professor just gave up and started drawing dicks on the whiteboard. You got this elf, Sparky, right? He wants a raise. Classic labor versus capital dialectic, except capital is Mrs. Claus and she's got tits the size of holiday hams stuffed into a red velvet corset. The negotiation breaks down almost immediately. There's no real dialogue tree, just a series of escalating physical transactions that would make Adam Smith weep into his invisible hand.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time fixated on the jiggle physics. They're not good, but they're... committed. Like a student who writes a forty page thesis on a single line of Heidegger. The sound design is mostly wet slapping noises that reminded me of stirring mac and cheese, which is a weird thing to get an erection to. The voice acting, if you can call it that, is just these breathy moans that loop awkwardly, cutting off mid-gasp like a corrupted MP3 file from LimeWire. It’s jarring but also weirdly hypnotic. I wish the handjob scene had more frames of animation, it looks like a flipbook being thumbed by someone having a seizure. That won't change, obviously.

From a the*** standpoint, Mrs. Claus’s willingness to immediately offer a titfuck as an alternative to a 401k match suggests a profound boundary issue. She’s using her physical assets to avoid a difficult financial conversation. Sparky, meanwhile, accepts this without hesitation, which points to a transactional view of intimacy probably rooted in the dehumanizing piecemeal labor of the toy assembly line. He’s just happy to be getting something. The whole thing climaxes, literally, with an oral cumshot that lands with the precision of a Jackson Pollock painting. I kept thinking about how sticky that velvet dress must be getting. The game is called something like "Sparky's Christmas Raise" on that one site, you know the one with the orange and black color scheme. It’s a mess. I’ve played it four times.