Fucking hell, this game. Playdude magazine. Right. Because that's subtle. I'm on this cruise ship, supposed to be some hotshot photographer, and the first thing I notice is the redhead's tits are basically a physics experiment gone wrong. They don't bounce, they sort of... wobble with intent. Like jello that's been given a mission. The whole thing runs in my browser, Chrome was not happy, kept freezing on the paizuri scene. You know the one. Where you gotta answer a goddamn geography question to get your dick between those massive animated sweater puppies.

The trivia is insane. One minute I'm trying to remember the capital of some country I've never heard of, the next I'm watching a creampie animation that loops weirdly. The cumshot just appears. No buildup, just splat, like a glitch in the matrix. The deepthroat scene with the girl in the swimsuit, her eyes go all vacant, and the sound, don't get me started on the sound. It's like someone squelching a wet sponge into a microphone. But I kept playing. Obviously. The doggystyle on the deck, ocean in the background, that was almost hot until the camera angle clipped through her stomach and I could see the inside of her character model. Tortue isn't a tag, it's a warning. The anal scene unlocks if you get all the medicine questions right, which, who the fuck knows about medicine? I was googling on my phone, dick in hand, failing a quiz about the pancreas.

The pickup system is just... you click, she asks about history, you fail, she calls you a dumbass and walks away. But if you win, suddenly she's bent over a deck chair. No transition. The facial at the end of the photographer route, the one with the redhead again, it lands on her cheek and just sits there, a static white blob. I laughed so hard I closed the tab. Then reopened it. The games of desire, whatever that means, it's just a menu with a heart icon that pulses. I don't know. The big boobs are big. That's the whole selling point. The dating tag is a lie, there's no dating, just trivia and then fucking. The cruise setting is just a jpeg of water that repeats every five seconds. I think I saw the same pixelated wave seventeen times during the titfuck sequence. My laptop fan went into overdrive. Worth it? I don't know what that means anymore. The calendar mission, I never finished it. Got stuck on a question about the French Revolution and alt-tabbed to write this. The game's still running. I can hear the wet sponge sounds from the other room.