I gave Charlie a handjob behind a palm tree while a crab watched and honestly that's the most romantic thing that's happened to me in a game this year. The whole setup is ridiculous. Five idiots stranded on an island and somehow the biggest threat isn't starvation or sunstroke, it's Charlie's tits. They're massive. They have their own gravitational pull. I'm pretty sure they affect the tides.

The game calls itself a parody but I couldn't tell you what it's parodying. Lost? Gilligan's Island? Some porn I saw in 2007? Doesn't matter. You're basically a ghost with a dick, floating around watching these castaways fuck and jerk and fingerblast each other while occasionally making a "choice" that leads to more cumshots. The humor is stupid. Deliberately stupid. There's a moment where Charlie gives you this look, this blonde bimbo stare directly through the screen, and I laughed so hard I had to put my phone down. Then I picked it back up because she was still there, waiting, with those beach-bunny eyes and absolutely zero thoughts behind them.

The survival tag is a lie. Nobody's surviving anything. They're thriving. Thriving on sand and saltwater and whatever lube they smuggled in their luggage. The choices are barely choices. Click this, get a handjob. Click that, get a different handjob. I clicked everything. I regret nothing.

I do wish there was more variety in the backgrounds. Same stretch of beach, same stupid palm tree, same voyeuristic crab who I'm convinced is judging me. But then Charlie bends over to pick up a coconut that isn't there and suddenly I don't care about scenery anymore. The cumshot animations are gloriously unpolished, like someone drew them in MS Paint while drunk and said "yeah that's hot." And it is. Somehow. Against all logic.

Award: Best Use of a Crab as Silent Third Wheel During Lewd Island Encounters. That little bastard deserves a raise.