You know what really grinds my gears as a forum mod? When a game promises fishing and then delivers... well, this. Dildo Fishing. The name alone should have earned someone a permanent ban from the concept of subtlety. I loaded it up expecting maybe some clever innuendo, some cheeky arcade action. What I got was a boat, a rod, and a tackle box full of silicone. The blonde diver was the first thing I accidentally hooked, and the animation that followed was so aggressively janky it looped three times before I realized the minigame was over. It's like watching a flipbook made by someone who's only ever seen a fish in a microwave dinner.

The core loop is absurd. You cast your line, wait for a bite, and then a mermaid or a diver pops up. The redhead mermaid has this expression that's permanently stuck between surprise and a software update error. The actual reeling mechanic is just frantic clicking, which I'm pretty sure gave me a repetitive strain injury in my wrist that I'll be complaining about on the health subforums later. There's no finesse. No art. You just yank them onto the boat and the game does its thing. I spent fifteen minutes trying to perfect a technique, only to realize the game doesn't care. It's a slot machine with extra steps and a lot more wet slapping sounds.

I wish the soundtrack was more than a ten-second loop of what sounds like a seagull choking. It burrowed into my brain. I muted it after five minutes and put on a podcast about deep-sea welding, which honestly made the whole experience more erotic by comparison. The arcade structure is there, I guess, with a score that ticks up, but it feels like a high-score table in a abandoned arcade where the only other entry is "ASS." It's not a game, it's a cry for help from a game engine. I kept playing though. Don't ask me why. Maybe I just wanted to see if the redhead's expression ever changed. It didn't.