my phone buzzed and it was just a notification from fap-nation or maybe it was nutaku. these browser games blur together after a while. but this one caught my eye because of the tag "muscle." not on the girls. on the cars? on the guy? the description mentioned vin diesel's charm which is honestly hilarious because the protagonist looks like a melted action figure with a constant squint. you pick a car, you pick a girl who is basically a pair of floating geometry with a face attached, and you race. the racing feels like a flash game from 2005. you tap left and right to dodge traffic and your car makes a sound like a vacuum cleaner choking on a sock.

the appeal is the utter shamelessness of it. you win a race and a girl with tits the size of her own head leans over and suddenly there's a poorly looped animation of her tongue doing something anatomically improbable to your gear shift. that's not a metaphor. she literally licks the gear shift knob. i spent way too long trying to figure out if the audio was supposed to be an engine revving or a moan. it's both. it's a wet, guttural "vroom" that loops every three seconds. i had to mute my tab because i was worried my neighbors would think i was watching a documentary about dying marine mammals.

there's an upgrade system where you spend winnings to make your car faster but honestly the second race was identical to the first. the difficulty curve is a flat line. i think i played the same track four times with a different jpeg of a woman pretending to be impressed at the end. one of them had a racing stripe painted across her chest which is the kind of attention to detail i can almost respect. the game never explains why these women are so aroused by your mediocre driving skills. maybe in this universe a tight corner at 60mph is the ultimate aphrodisiac. the whole thing feels like someone took a very specific fetish, the fast and furious parody, the big tits, the vague arcade aesthetic, and just smeared it across a browser window without asking permission. the "fast car" tag is generous. my grandmother's mobility scooter has more torque. i closed the tab and my browser history felt dirty in a way that wasn't even satisfying.